I was inspired this year by a thought, I hope that I’ll be able to get it out into writing.
As part of the morning prayers, in the siddur you will find an addition for the 10 Days of Teshuva an addition, after Yishtabach.
שִׁ֥יר הַֽמַּעֲל֑וֹת מִמַּעֲמַקִּ֖ים קְרָאתִ֣יךָ השם
Tehillim, chapter 130.
Ten days, once a day, to rectify, it says in the holy works, that which I caused imperfection or worse in the ten sefirot.
Everyone complains that I worked so hard on myself, I strengthened myself, I took upon myself different things that I really really internalized into my heart. I made a real change, a real teshuva. And then by Rosh Chodesh Kislev it’s all gone. I return to be the same person that I was during bain hazmanim after Tisha B’av.
My Rosh Kollel once asked, we find in the Mussaf prayer on Yom Kippur a whole description of the Sa’ir LaShem, the goat whose blood was taken into the Kodesh Hakodashim. Every detail. Achas Ve’Achas, Achas Ve’Shtayim. One can ask: The whole Sa’ir LaShem was only to atone for Tum’as HaMikdash, something that in the simple understanding is not applicable today, as we don’t have a Bait HaMikdash today. Also it atones only for a handful of specific sins.
But the Sa’ir Hamishtalayach, the goat which is sent out into the wilderness. this atones for most all of the sins, lighter sins and heavier sins, positive commandments and negative commandments, by accident and on purpose, malkot, karet, sins for which one gets the death penalty.
Then why is it that we put all of our attention into the Sa’ir LaShem, and not into the Sa’ir Hamishtalayach? “Then he gets to the first sukkah, then he gets to the second sukkah…”
Answered my Rosh Kollel, that often a person has an inner fault, that that fault causes him to do all kinds of other sins. This is the Tum’as HaMikdash. And he may realize it or he may not realize it. That’s why we focus on the Sa’ir Lashem.
I think that these words of my Rosh Kollel is a true idea, and that this is what is stopping many people from making progress. Like for example a person decides that he MUST work on his anger. And he indeed makes a valiant effort. But what is really lacking is the belief that Hashem controls everything that there is and everything that happens. So what he is actually working on is the external expression of his failure. He can work on his anger from today till tomorrow, but if he doesn’t strengthen his basic shiviti Hashem lenegdi tamid, then he will quickly fall. Because today the yetzer says do this, and tomorrow do that, until by Rosh Chodesh Kislev the show’s over.
Mima’amakim karaticha Hashem. From the depths of my heart I call out to you Hashem. I believe that these days hold the power that you can pray to Hashem to reveal to you what is the inner point of the soul, in order to rectify that from which the yetzer works, and to make a real lasting change wider than you could ever imagine.
Hashem should help us succeed.
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